Bitterness and Bad Puns

First off, congrats Dave and Emily! I had a great time at the wedding yesterday, and I look forward to seeing you for the K-zoo show (and yes, I’ve decided to go after all). Hope you didn’t mind when I hid the camera up my skirt, but Mike was gonna take it and erase the photo otherwise.

Now on to more unpleasant, but possibly more amusing things.

So the day I got attacked, i was IM’ing someone about it, and his response was:

Ass: You know why this happened?
Ass:Sex appeal.

Now, despite his subsequent claims that this was just a lame attempt at humor that backfired, I found this fairly appalling, and I’m not exactly on speaking terms with him anymore, but this faux pas has at least spawned a fun new time waster.

Susan and I, when going to some concert or another recently, were talking about the above statement, when I mentioned I’d been thinking about similarly inappropriate things to say in response to various calamities, things that would also be come-ons and really bad puns. Because I am nice and oh so subtle, I’ve declared these statements "Litvakisms". Susan thought composing Litvakisms was a fine idea, and we started composing some (though I’ve forgotten some good ones):

You know why your house burned down? ‘Cause you’re so fucking HOT!

You know why you got lung cancer? Because you’re smokin’!

You know why that guy stole your purse? Because you stole his HEART!

…etc, etc.

So, anyone have any good Litvakisms they want to share? Comment.